Rambling at Midnight #Fiction

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            But how can one forget? Has anyone told you it is easy? It is not. The wind blows your scent and I can feel you as I inhale deeply, running through my lungs and I wonder; what if you are the one giving me life? And it kills me not knowing the truth. Doubt has never been an easy visitor to my mind. It’s consuming. My heart is once more consumed by your aura. Being close to you makes it harder. Makes it harder to forget, and I repeat it to myself as I write these lines. Harder. And my body can feel the pain suffocating every vein, not letting my blood run freely. How can one forget? I ask myself once more in desperation. Nobody can. At least I can’t. I know my soul still desires to meet your eyes and my body still craves your touch. But most of all, my eyes would die to see your face standing in front of me. I know they would.

I’m here. I scream inside me to myself, hoping you can listen to my inner voice. But hope is the latest thing I can do now. I’m hopeless and for the first time I know I won’t see you. I’ve lost you and it seems eternity to me the day I’ll ever see your angelic face. Perhaps the infinite days that we counted were a lie and I say perhaps because I shall give strength to myself by keeping a flame alive. I shall remember the fire that burnt us because it gave warmth to my heart and light to my brain. My darkness has now your presence that illuminates it. But how can one forget? No one can. These are the moments I wish for the ability to erase the pain. I wish nothing but that. I want to be left with the memories and their bittersweet taste on my lips, but shall my soul be left alone as it’s too much destroyed to live another day in this hell. The hell you created when you made your way to my heart and forgot the path to get back from where you came. What if I could erase the pain that I keep in my heart for so much time? Would it be better? Would it make me a better person? I shall not care as this moment the pain is not only emotional, but physical too. So yes! I wish I could erase all of it and if you left with the pain, perhaps I’d let you. I need my freedom and you can give me only that cage. Which I hate, I hate, I hate; because it burns and the wound is so deep that no treatment can be found.

But how can one erase it all? Nobody can. The feeling is still there, stuck deeply in my heart and I really doubt if it’s only there. I am sure it has the power to take it all from me, soul and body, mind and spirit, and I’m homeless. You’ve left me homeless into my own home. How is that possible? It ain’t. I can clearly answer all my questions. I’m so in need for you, my love. The voice inside my hopeless head is still arguing with someone at the end of the tunnel but it’s dark in there and I can see nothing. I wish it was you but it ain’t. I sense there are only ashes there; perhaps my broken and burnt pieces.

The pain has moved from my stomach to my spline and now it’s aching my heart. The territory around my chest is in pain and little by little I feel it spread everywhere. Its’ exact location I can’t predict but it hurts so damn much.

I’ve denied it the past days to everyone, including myself. I’ve denied you. I’ve denied your existence in my heart but I can’t anymore. I shall finally admit, everyone to know, myself included, that you will never die inside me. This love shall always live and conquer me, no matter whose hands touch my body or whose heart loves mine. I know that I will never love you. I will always love someone else because ‘’love’’ is such a little thing when it comes to you. There are no words used by humans or others to explain how I feel about you; but I definitely know it’s not love. I will never love you. Perhaps I’ll live for you, as it is the most valuable thing I have, even if you don’t deserve it. You, my darling, you don’t deserve any of this; it’s no right to feel this way and I shall never mention love when it comes to you. The reason I’m in pain is your existence but you should know that without it I’d be lost. So, how can one live without you? No one can. You are the most painful thing in my life which keeps my heart beating and you’ll always illuminate the darkness inside me. Your darkness will be my darkness, somehow it will lighten my spirit, just like the dark moon gives light to the hot summer nights.

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