Addicted.

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We should stop seeing each other.
We should stop playing with our demons.
I inhale you. I can feel your hands touching me from a distance. The untamed desire sets me on fire. It burns and I cannot stop. Your smirk excites me. Your hands fill me and I breath deeply, exhaling hard and coming. You come closer to my lips without touching me. It’s exasperating. Half of my body is wet and the other half is wizened. I’m losing control and I am lifting my chin towards you. You’re half smiling again passionately, moving your head around. I am still powerless, licking my lip needy. You’re playing with my desire. You push yourself inside me and my voice trembles. I am losing it. I grab your neck and squeeze you hard as you keep pushing and insisting on me with that smirk of satisfaction.
We should stop.
You let go of me easily and I am relieved.
Your demons won’t leave me alone while your hands are playing with the line between my back and my front. You run gently between my legs and hardly getting inside I find myself coming unexpectedly.
You run your body on me, throwing words into my mouth, without letting me taste you.
We should stop seeing each other.
It’s becoming addictive.
I want you.
Your mind is heroine. Your perfume is cocaine. Your lips… oh those lips!
We should stop.
I wish I wanted it to stop.

Viridis.

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There are nights we all desire more than a simple hug or a gesture of tenderness. We need a fragrance that can make us choke of its’ powerful properties. That kind of fragrance I had every night in my arms as the sun was hiding behind the navy clouds. Every time he touched my skin with his baldly lips, I felt his need of affection. I always have an image of his eyes in my mind; the way he laughs is melting my bones. His riddles are gently visible while his eyes are miraculously twisting of amusement. His lips are the last ones to show the great excitement that unfolds a depressive happiness.

     I am used to falling asleep after him so I have the privilege to watch over him while his subconscious unravels his deepest fears or desires. His arm is wrapped around me and I am stupidly smiling while his heart is beating either slower or faster than usual. That moment I felt a great pain filling my lungs and conquering my soul.
I am haunted once again by the ghosts of my past and their countenance reminds me of a brunette man. No matter how hard I tried to breath out every concern that tortured my heart, it was futile.
     Tonight the darkness is silent and catastrophic for my mental health. The wind has stopped fizzling and the air I am inhaling is burning my insides. I feel every suffocating emotion submerging me and his absence keeps my demons alive. I shall fall into deep sleep now. All I need to see is the dazzling sun to give me hope.

New Perspective.

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   ”Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.” – The Fault in our Stars

     That’s what impressed me today. That is what I will remember from the 7th of September. That and the night’s breeze. The empty streets. The moon and the stars. No soul would bother the noisy silence. I walked alone home and I felt a particular kind of fear pondering in my veins. There was no fear of darkness. I was scared of the world, the people who wondered freely and arrogantly on the sidewalks. I know I must not look back. That was the arcanum.
     As I was approaching the entrance of my apartment I felt the fear fading away. However, something else happened. Surprisingly, my emotional state changed and the burden would not get away from my heart. This time though, it was pain. It may sound surprising but I am relieved for having my pain back. I do not know if I should worry for my non-expected happiness for a bitter sentiment, but I must admit, it gives me a purpose. I can feel again the gap in my soul and now I know, better than ever, that I should find a way to fulfill it again. Perhaps that was it! That’s what I needed. A new purpose.
     Now I am thinking; maybe that is what we all need and that also answers a question which many of us have been asking the universe. Why life should have ups and downs? Is it suffering and struggling necessary for the human kind?
     There is a writer I deeply admire who claims that humans are the most unhappy animals. When I first read that phrase I did not give it much thought. He was right though.
      So I have to deliberate on that even if you don’t want to hear it. We need bitterness and obstacles in order to achieve greatness. We might be the most unhappy of all animals but except that, as the same writer claims, the human kind has the ability to create majestic and unimaginably things. We just need a purpose. 
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Dizziness.

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    We live in fear of admitting everything that ponders in our hearts. I gave my all to you and I am still wondering if my current denial comes as a consequence to all the drama we had. I find misinterpretations walking back and forward in my mind. An inner voice is still whispering words of love or pain. I cannot distinguish what dominates in me, whether I am free or locked in my own desperation. The nights of September have brought upon me a new sentimental crisis. It feels like a dizziness. I see my soul on its’ knees praying and I am wondering: for what? Am I praying for more consuming love or it’s just an immense desire for freedom?

     I live in fear because my dreams stopped challenging me. Everything is blurred and I blame myself for that. I am responsible for suffocating my heart. It has been long since nobody conquered me. I have always been emotionally occupied and it feels exhausting. Even now that I am not in love with someone, my soul is still chained. Do I need someone to break the chains? I wish I could do it myself.
     The insanity of these long nights have created a vacuum, a dark space between the past and the present. I do not want to tickle my heart’s chords, I want them to be left in piece, untouched. There is a battle taking place inside me but I cannot see the two parties fighting or the results of the war. No matter how hard I try to understand what is going on inside me I see nothing. In vain I struggle to control my demons. I will let them defeat each other. There is no other way.

Part 38: Trust Issues

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                 “It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s that I don’t trust you”
         There are so many the times this phrase has destroyed thousands of relationships .They say love comes with trust. Love should be all about trust. That’s what they say but as you know, I don’t always come to reason with what others imply. I’ve been there. I’ve said that phrase and I really meant it. Trust is not something you always receive from the very beginning. It grows in time. However, if your beloved one gives you reasons to doubt him or her, why won’t you? It’s obvious you will even if you love.
          As it concerns my life, I’ve always been an insecure person. That’s because I’ve always been disappointed and judged by people. Maybe my attitude helped that but I wouldn’t change it. I always look things through. I’m never one hundred percent certain of something or someone. So, I don’t think love and trust complete each other. I mean, you may love but not trust. This means the end of a relationship most times but that doesn’t mean you will stop loving.

Part 16: Differences Make Us Special

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Our world is changed. I was standing there by the sea just a few hours ago, staring at the people passing by. It was a calm night. The full moon was sparkling and the air smelt different. Dirtier but cleaner. Difficult to understand. Kids smiling, crying, hurt faces, happy faces, homeless people, poor and rich, young and old. A mixture of cultures. One only thing in common; their expressions. Everybody seemed to hide something. Feelings. Emotions. Our world of materialization and individualization changed every spontaneous moment you’d see ten or twenty years ago. People seem to care only about their individual problems. No sharing. Nothing left to enthusiasm about. I stood up, walked a few metres until the lighthouse. I stayed there. This time facing only the sea and the moon. Nothing else. It was only the wind I could hear. Suddenly, a group of people approached. There were two couples. They stayed near by me. I could hear their conversation so I paid attention as It was the only thing I could do then. What they were saying; well…they were talking about changing partners between them. Yeah, that’s how reality works now. No love. Just sex. You know; friends with benefits. It was so strange to hear that. It was like all the magic was gone. It was a raw scene. Stood up for the second time and walked back. Walking I realized the world it’s still the same. I’ve changed. My conceptions. The world is just evolving. In a good or bad way. That’s left to see…The scene I saw it was just a random fact. A choice…It was their choice. So I concluded, we don’t all think the same. Sometimes we’d want somebody to think like us. It’s impossible and at the same time stupid. Differences make us matter.