Tears.

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The night was terrifying and silent. The void let the other emotions burst freely on the surface. It was the first time in months that a raindrop touched the earth without any hesitation. It fell abruptly from the eye and the second one followed. I was feeling the humidity in the air days now, but the heart of stone did not believe in giving in. The mind of the sinner refused to drown and fought hard to unravel the tangled thoughts. The meteorologists and my heart had predicted a thunderstorm. After the first raindrops, the others followed easily. It was hard to sham the pain as every thunder hit the bones of the thorax. The filmstrip seemed infinite. Myself and the tawny woman, both rubbed our forehead and covered our eyes. I could feel the skin under my nails hurting but the rain had to be stopped. I had created an ocean in which my sadness could reflect itself as if it had taken a human form; fine beauty, long curly hair, sparkling eyes. I wondered what is the source of that sparkle; radiating happiness, disturbing melancholy or painful regret?

Exasperation.

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     A simple gesture of tenderness, that was what I needed. More than that, I think I needed someone’s gesture of tenderness; but I can do nothing but deny my thoughts. It was the hardest but simplest thing that I could do for now. I feel suffocated by crowds and desperate for silence. My soul has become a controversial place and the demons that once used to ponder around my darkest corners, are hidden behind the depression that torments me.

     The man with the viridian eyes has become a necessary variable on my life equation. There is one thing I am not certain of; whether I want to solve it or not. Perhaps the procedure of solving it scares me. A brunette man once told me that love hurts and in the end I will see a soul being tortured. I would not believe his words if I didn’t see his own soul being tortured a few months after he confessed these words to me. I remember his eyes in tears both times. I wanted to become the solution to his equation and get him out of his misery. Perhaps my intentions changed in time and I forgot what I wanted in the first place. The night I counted fifty stars in the sky in his favor, we thought we wouldn’t need anything else in the world. We were enough for each other.
     Somehow I see part of the past repeating itself. I feel attached to those viridian eyes and even if my heart implores my mind to trust him completely, I cannot. Perhaps that shows how messed up I am and affected by the past.

“La vérité, l’âpre vérité” = The truth, the harsh truth.

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 There is nothing I can write on this sheet and make it sound good once you read it out loud. I am stuck once again into a situation I cannot find the exit door. 

     When everything fell apart I needed to forget the world existed. The harsh truth is that I lost my path through life. Unfortunately I am still on that road; the one I cannot escape. There were days I thought I had it all right, I thought I knew where I was going; but I don’t. 
     A few days before ‘moving on’….
 – The infatuation of his unspoken words cracked the dry surface of my heart. If he had the courage to break me into millions of pieces with his words, I would not feel so blindfolded. Some may claim this is a good thing. Do I agree?
If I knew, if only I had some knowledge of his unspoken thoughts… But perhaps I don’t want to know. That seems to be the naked truth. My sooth was cleared of clothing or decorations. I do have a foolish interpretation of his silence in my mind which haunts me like a black widowed crow. Have I mentioned that I have a special adoration for crows?
I assume you will find my declaration irritatingly nonsensical. Can I be excused for loving the soothing that strangulates my lungs? Certain things cannot be excused so perhaps I am not forgiven. I have betrayed my universe and its’ sweet, agonising revenge is more than accepted. It took away my oxygen and tragically I do not mind. I can live without it.
That certain touch of tenderness that filled my dreams is gone. The exasperation of waiting to see him is gone too. Everything has drifted away. Do you find me depressing? Because I already do find me so.
I should let you know that I am not. There is a new kind of happiness running through my veins. I have made piece with my own desperation. I have made piece with myself and that is how everything flows willingly into another direction. I opened my eyes and the darkness was gone. I could see the stars telling me everything is going to be just fine.
All I had to do is admit to myself the harsh truth; that everything was over and I had to move on. –
 
I did it. I moved on but I cannot attach emotionally to anyone. Or almost anyone. Now I am just wondering what I need. You see…
     There are times you flip the coin without wishing for any outcome. I saw it spinning and my mind could not decide whether it wished for heads or tails. I wanted something different, a thing that I could not obtain. 

     It was three o’ clock in the morning when he asked me that question. ”What is that you need most at this point in your life?”. I felt a knife twisting my insides but I liked it. ”Love”. My answer was sincere and immediate. 
     That night I wanted more than I could phrase out loud. For a brief moment I wanted him but I erased the thought pretty quickly. You would have done it too if you were in my place. 
So perhaps I could move on with the wrong person. I wish I knew who is the right one. 
I shall wait.