There was a line separating us. He thought that line was just because we had united two single beds together in order to make a big one. It wasn’t just that. In my mind, the line was infinite. It was like we had some boundaries separating us; like two different neighbouring countries. Our souls won’t bond even if our hearts imply a love affair.
At the moment, I feel a vast pain which I cannot explain. More than that, I feel an unusual rage in my heart and a suffocation of my lungs. There is a nod that makes it hard to breathe. Tears run of my eyes when writing these lines and a deep depression submerges me to the point of feeling like drowning into the dark bottom of the Atlantic ocean. The fact that I cannot find the roots of my heartbreaking keeps me awake. The night is longer this way, when my heart isn’t at peace and the only noise that I hear is his breath. I looked down the road from the window and there was no soul wondering around. It seems like the drunk are filling themselves with more alcohol and the peaceful lovers are holding hands under their parfumed sheets. What about the hopeless romantics and troubled minds? I guess we are all losing sleep or having nightmares that suffocate us even when we’re asleep.
I still find it hard to explain this pain that tonight has brought upon me. I find it healthier if I close my tearful eyes and keep them that way until the sun rises again.
There are nights we all desire more than a simple hug or a gesture of tenderness. We need a fragrance that can make us choke of its’ powerful properties. That kind of fragrance I had every night in my arms as the sun was hiding behind the navy clouds. Every time he touched my skin with his baldly lips, I felt his need of affection. I always have an image of his eyes in my mind; the way he laughs is melting my bones. His riddles are gently visible while his eyes are miraculously twisting of amusement. His lips are the last ones to show the great excitement that unfolds a depressive happiness.
I am used to falling asleep after him so I have the privilege to watch over him while his subconscious unravels his deepest fears or desires. His arm is wrapped around me and I am stupidly smiling while his heart is beating either slower or faster than usual. That moment I felt a great pain filling my lungs and conquering my soul.
I am haunted once again by the ghosts of my past and their countenance reminds me of a brunette man. No matter how hard I tried to breath out every concern that tortured my heart, it was futile.
Tonight the darkness is silent and catastrophic for my mental health. The wind has stopped fizzling and the air I am inhaling is burning my insides. I feel every suffocating emotion submerging me and his absence keeps my demons alive. I shall fall into deep sleep now. All I need to see is the dazzling sun to give me hope.
”Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.” – The Fault in our Stars
That’s what impressed me today. That is what I will remember from the 7th of September. That and the night’s breeze. The empty streets. The moon and the stars. No soul would bother the noisy silence. I walked alone home and I felt a particular kind of fear pondering in my veins. There was no fear of darkness. I was scared of the world, the people who wondered freely and arrogantly on the sidewalks. I know I must not look back. That was the arcanum.
As I was approaching the entrance of my apartment I felt the fear fading away. However, something else happened. Surprisingly, my emotional state changed and the burden would not get away from my heart. This time though, it was pain. It may sound surprising but I am relieved for having my pain back. I do not know if I should worry for my non-expected happiness for a bitter sentiment, but I must admit, it gives me a purpose. I can feel again the gap in my soul and now I know, better than ever, that I should find a way to fulfill it again. Perhaps that was it! That’s what I needed. A new purpose.
Now I am thinking; maybe that is what we all need and that also answers a question which many of us have been asking the universe. Why life should have ups and downs? Is it suffering and struggling necessary for the human kind?
There is a writer I deeply admire who claims that humans are the most unhappy animals. When I first read that phrase I did not give it much thought. He was right though.
So I have to deliberate on that even if you don’t want to hear it. We need bitterness and obstacles in order to achieve greatness. We might be the most unhappy of all animals but except that, as the same writer claims, the human kind has the ability to create majestic and unimaginably things. We just need a purpose.
Let’s be honest people! You love Love! Everyone adores a little unhappy love story with a happy ending. We complain, oh yes, we could die complaining about how Love makes our lives miserable, painful or (at some point) amazingly interesting. At the end of the road it doesn’t matter. When your route is over, at that moment when you have to point yourself into a different direction just because your Love had expired, there it is where you will realize that all you can do is fall in Love again. Yes, yes my dear Human, that is what you crave; Love. Even if you don’t want to admit it, you desire drama and epic storytelling even if you put at risk your weakened heart.
I never thought I would make such a confession. Actually, I never believed all those cruel heart-breakers who anticipated Love differently than I did. Perhaps they saw things more rationally. I couldn’t. Would you? Is it Love rational?
I would be sinning if I’d reject my own theories so I won’t. I will speak both logically and sentimentally. On the one hand, as you may have seen, people cannot live without drama and day-by-day struggling. On the other hand, the universe cannot exist without the romantic constellations. So there it is the explanation. Humans cannot survive in a world where Love comes without struggling and the universe is unable to create something of such greatness easily. The knot is done. All generations are pulled into this labyrinth, craving for Love. Roll the dice, get a player, build some houses, own some places, roll the dice again and take some credit for beginning again.
I found out everything about “the game”. A man trapped into his solitude, rambling about meaningless things, the silent noises of an empty court; that should be the image you ought to create in your mind. Perhaps you’re already characterizing him as a crazy person, someone who lost his sense of existence, but here it is where you will be mistaken.
The man wonders whether he should lay there or walk away. Where will he go if he follows the tracks of a poisoning voice ? Nowhere. There is not much thought to that. He will stay and he will continue his senseless speech. The muses of solitude will be his crowd; they must applause at the end, clapping their hands silently.
What about you Human? You are still misunderstanding him. Judging his choice. He is mercilessly speaking loudly so he can be heard by those mute soldiers standing still on the back seats. You don’t understand, do you?
This man knows the purpose of his existence better than you can ever conceive. He knows that solitude, silence, mutation, those are the enemies of the human mind. Nothingness serves the crazy generations, feeding them fear, seducing them into this game of savage surviving. He is not a cave man. He has no physical needs; his only purpose stands on a string, tantalizing itself between sanity and craziness, and he knows that the only way to reach the end of the string alive lies on his dedication to torture the queen of solitude. This wicked game has no ending spell. He chose to begin so he has to play along.
I wish I was aware of your eyes in last night’s dream but I wasn’t. Your lips seduced me, submerging myself into them. Your mocking smile bewildered me. You were an intriguing man, self-asserted and your hands were touching my body mandatory. I was obliged to obey to all your exertions. In the background I remember nothing but darkness. For some strange reason there was nothing but a vast black shadow. My body felt every seething sensation while my subconscious ventured around your bare smile. I have never seen you that way. I was filled with idiocy and vulnerability. On the contrary, you were chirpy and poignant. I am struggling to recall every detail but my mind is not helping me. I am lost in the vacuum of my own thoughts and desires. The potency of my unwillingness to remember the dream is locking me up in a roost of suspicions. Perhaps I should stop wincing myself with this kind of thoughts and let the simulacrum of happiness have control over me.
I am letting myself dream one more time of your eyes. Nothing is changed but still; nothing remains the same.
I get wrinkles on my face every time I think of you but I don’t mind. Oh God! Why would I ever mind? The feverish feeling that you give my body hangs warmly on the shore of my heart. You are a breath of life and I wish I could inhale you every second of my existence. I drag myself to the point of collapsing into a deep black hole. There lie your deepest fears but my love, you should know I feel no remorse. I could easily drown into them, fall from the highest heights for you. I am in need of your lips as the morning grass wishes to be kissed by the soaked frost. I am praying for one touch of yours. I find myself biting my lower lip every time I see your face. Oh, those eyes! Brownish, frustrating and mysterious. They travel on my mind, stretching in every corner and your heart has made itself comfortable into mine. I feel no remorse my love. You should know. I carry you inside, heavily but oh; sweetly, deeply, madly, truly. Tonight I promised your soul I will dream of its’ master. My subconscious obeys to you. I am closing my eyes and you appear in front of me naked, undressed of your fears. All my heart desires is to seduce you. The clock hits 3 a.m. and I am suffocated by your lips. Such a sweetness. This kind of intoxication fills me with joy. You release your heat upon me, your body elaborates a toxic substance that makes me fall on my knees before you. I am weakened. No remorse. I am weakened by a decent dulcet feeling. They say it is love. Who are they? Do not wonder my love. They are presenting themselves as the guardians of my heart but do not fear. With you I let my guard down. I am yours. I am letting you guard my heart. Do not ever break it because it carries yours. This is all you should know.
Now close your eyes. Dream with me. Love with me. Love us. Set us on fire and inhale the heat we elaborate. Inhale our oxygen. Inhale me.