Between lust, pain and love there is a unique connection. As you know gentlemen, lusting for a woman, loving her and feeling the pain she can inflict you with is one of the saltest pleasures of life. But do not forget, that you might want to really live it if you dare to let yourself expecience it.
He had the flavour of vanilla and cinnamon. His lips twisted arrogantly, disturbing me in a seductive way. The color of his eyes was burnt umber, sensual and stunning. I would describe him as the the most cunning man I have ever encountered but that would be only the preface. There is a spark of sensibility in his eyes, well hidden behind his pride.
It was after midnight when the rain stopped. The pavements were humid and the contemporary bars which once used to host an army of people were soulless. Not far away from that deserted road, the second floor of an unpopular coffee shop was more alive than ever. While stepping in, I remembered the beginning of last autumn when a short, brunette lady was serving me hot coffee, accompanied by a paper and a pen. When I first met her, she was glancing me moderately. After a while she got used to my presence at the table near the left window but she never asked me why I was always coming alone.
She wasn’t there that night and I wasn’t there alone.
The room was darker than the rainy night. I was staring at the beautiful shape of our glasses, somehow avoiding his glance. We talked about things that my mind wants to forget but it pleased me so much talking to him. I wanted to hear more of his stories as I had the curiosity to learn his deepest thoughts. Every movement of his, I studied carefully. He was a book that I wanted so badly to read but some pages were still unwritten; he didn’t have the courage to reveal the whole story and that is were I stopped.
At the moment, I feel a vast pain which I cannot explain. More than that, I feel an unusual rage in my heart and a suffocation of my lungs. There is a nod that makes it hard to breathe. Tears run of my eyes when writing these lines and a deep depression submerges me to the point of feeling like drowning into the dark bottom of the Atlantic ocean. The fact that I cannot find the roots of my heartbreaking keeps me awake. The night is longer this way, when my heart isn’t at peace and the only noise that I hear is his breath. I looked down the road from the window and there was no soul wondering around. It seems like the drunk are filling themselves with more alcohol and the peaceful lovers are holding hands under their parfumed sheets. What about the hopeless romantics and troubled minds? I guess we are all losing sleep or having nightmares that suffocate us even when we’re asleep.
I still find it hard to explain this pain that tonight has brought upon me. I find it healthier if I close my tearful eyes and keep them that way until the sun rises again.
Have you ever felt the need to expose yourselves by revealing your real feelings to someone even if you two had drifted away? What did you do or what would you do in that case?
There it was my inspiration swinging like a flake before my eyes. I could see it but I could not touch it. My mind evoked a breeze, a hopeless wind that pushed it away, ravished it on the ground. But my inspiration would not let go. The gravity was not powerful enough to overtake its’ strength. My flake was floating helpless but still alive. For a moment there was no time. It was just a thin shadow in the air that was standing still, waiting for me to unlock the door of my mind. But I couldn’t. Even if I desired to diminish that door, I couldn’t. It was something more than I could conceive or accept. I feared a shadow had control over my subconscious. Perhaps that was it. Someone or something that controlled my emotions.
Unfortunately I figured it out. I was controlled by my own desperate thoughts. I wished I could go back to my dream. I wished for that silence that overwhelmed me.
The midday sun hays blurred my thoughts. Why?
How many words are born to impress? Not many. This one is. Fatalism.
Its’ eight letters embrace the deepest theories and feelings. I wonder whether the future agrees with me or not. But if, if we were allowed to believe that it was destined to be together, then let it be. I wish no insult to your thoughts but perhaps this is an accurate explanation to whatever tickles my insides. I do not know yet if there is an existing term for the sensation you give me.
The summer rain scares me. It’s hiding the sun, messing around with the moon. The heavens are desperately screaming. I feel my heart collapsing into a vacuum. The raindrops stretched on my skin daringly but I insisted on moving my hand back to safety. I wouldn’t let the rain touch me. I feared for a second it will take this inexplicable dulcet feeling away. The thought of it only electrified me.
The night falls into pieces of darkness, abstract lines of lightning and terrifying sounds of summer’s revengefulness. The earth implores the skies. I hear it praying for more. I wonder what ‘more’ means; even my heart wonders how ‘more’ would be.
Sometimes skipping the tormenting theories calls off the fear. At least in my case, it is gone. I smiled unwillingly while my mind faded in your aura.
Your head was resting beside me, your hand wrapped around my hips. I could not close my eyes. I felt I had to stay awake, watch over you. I was running my hand through your hair, on your cheek, close to your lips. Your lips curved into a smile when I touched your lower one but I feared I will intervene with your dream so I moved it back through your hair.
I felt my eyes closing but I would not dare sleep. The music, that specific song which I had on repeat while hoping your subconscious serves you a good dream, got me thinking about us. I had many questions vandalising my mind. The atmosphere was silent. The first hays of the sun hit the window and an unusual lightness fogged my question marks. I felt non existent but still attached to your skin. I smiled without knowing the exact reason. Or at least, without thinking of it. However, it was obvious.
Perhaps for a moment I had it all. Summer. Lightness. A song. White sheets. You.
That morning, I needed nothing more. So the earth needs nothing more. Tonight it is fed with water. In the morning I dare saying the sun will rise, his hays will burn sweetly.
I fear the world will rip me apart. Two pieces of flesh. Or millions of pieces. That’s what I fear I will become. I fear the depth of the oceans will fill my body with unbearable water. I fear the dark waters. I fear the alcohol burning my veins. I fear it will carve your name on my body. My skin’s vulnerability makes my cells tremble at the sight of your name. I fear you will open my soul up and dig deeply, put yourself in there, cover your body with mud, brownish mud, as your eyes. Then you will grow, bigger bigger, your spirit will conquer mine. Haunt me.
Your mocking smile scares me. It makes you feel good burying your darkest edges in me. I fear I cannot handle you. Then I smile mockingly. Weirdly. What am I saying? This adoration I have for you, this thing that runs through my veins, this love, submerges myself to you without even bothering.
Certainly there is more to that than I let go. I am still locked inside me. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to open up completely to someone. Nonsensical words at midnight. That’s what I know. That’s what I’m writing. Nonsensical words.
The drunk man asked me this and I stood as still as a tree wondering…”Do you love him?”
I do not. Perhaps what I am saying seems a little, or a lot, nonsensical but you asked for my sincere answer and you should know that a sincere answer is what I am giving to you. I do not love him. I find it easy to admit or agree to such a thing and the reason why is simpler than you could ever percept. Whatever this feeling that cursed me is, it goes deeper than love. Since humans haven’t found a word for that yet or we may never find, I won’t let myself indulged into its’ charm. For love I have felt and it was not like this. It was indeed powerful, every emotion was triggered by it, but now, now it’s more than that. Now, the infinity of my feelings transfixes my body and has turned my feelings into a hunting warren. A warren of desire, seduction, empathy, vivacious feelings, feelings that if you ask me; I could even live for as eternity lies at dawn.
Maybe I should let you know, hoping you would understand my questioning this ”love” you want to name, that I have become a feathery person, sometimes even feeble. I am asking you please not to judge me or try to convince me that I should reconsider my statements, all because I will not. I am not gloomy. Do not ever understand that. I am as flippant as the hays of the sun on the sunup. You should see my expression now. A sought just escaped my lips, such a sweet and perky sought! It’s tingling my heart; this image of a demi-verge person who craves for me as I crave for him every night. This rapture or cannibalistic need of flesh, which many of us may not understand, it’s provoking me a deep sensation of amour. I do not say love dear stranger. Mark that. I am biting my lower lip at the very moment and the hotness has made my skin sweat. My humid lips have a salty taste of sweat. The hot breeze, the closed window, the feeble night, they all remind me of him. They all make me crave him even more, even sweeter. How can I make it understandable to you dear stranger?
In a parallel reality, where he exists only for me, or we might say that he is here for me, he touches my lower lip, undressing it from its’ salty taste with his own big softy lips. I fear writing to you the rest of the details…
On another long parallel line, runs my heart competing to all the above or helping them get to infinity. I do not know what it actually does but I feel it running. It has become a beast, a warrior among Cyclops. I shall not lie, I do feel deep feelings for him. As I said at the beginning, it is all about some other inexplicable feeling that has not been named yet because there is no greater than that. Writing the last sentence, perhaps I stupefy my own self for writing about ‘love’ as the greatest of all, but you should know, I am not. All I want you to do, is understand the difference.
After so many words, I’m letting you know, that at this very moment I feel a gap in my heart. It is like the earth, the soil, has broken up into two pieces letting an abyss of darkness in the middle. Do not ask me why I am feeling this way. I shall not answer.
I am asking you humans, have you ever felt like dying of happiness? I know pain is a murderer but have you been thinking of happiness killing you sweetly, slowly and ravishingly? I am feeling it now. Dying of happiness. I am chocking on my own laughter. The image of his eyes, his smile, his hands touching me, I feel my feet unworthy of standing and walking on earth. Perhaps I am already floating on a cloud, raised to heavens and seeing shadows of a rainbow reflected on my smile. You lay me down and hand me your soul. I have already locked it inside me next to your heart, next to mine. I cannot percept of having enough of you ever. Your words and perfume are guiding themselves into me, struggling to reach into my every little thin corner. I am asking you once again; have you ever been suffocated of happiness? I find it hard to breath. The time that I am away from you I find it hard to breath. I am becoming nonsensical, in desperate need of you. I claim there is only one minute, one long minute that I wish I could turn it into ashes and fly myself in your arms. Ah my love! You give me nonsensical thoughts and firstly-felt feelings. Who would ever think of being gifted with such wonderful messy emotions? I need you. I want to sin with you inside me. I want to inhale you and let you breath through me. I want my bones dissolving on your touch. We both crave for each other. That last sentence which you exclaimed to me is still haunting me sweetly. My mind runs wildly to you again, now, before now, tomorrow and every millisecond of my breathing days.
Once I open my eyes from what this seems as a nightmare; being away from you; I have you in front of me. Smiling brightly, proudly. But then, I close my eyes again and I am trapped in a ravishing dream. I am climbing on top of an oak tree admiring the sun hiding behind his marvelous hays. I smile at him as he fills me with more happiness. It seems like the sun and you are one and the same. Where am I ? I wonder as my face expresses my mind’s state. I am stuck between what’s supposed to be life and my own intense dream. I am in a delirium. Perhaps I should stop wondering. Wherever I am, whatever I am now, I am yours. You are keeping me still and safe in your arms, feeding me warmth and light. I am embracing what I’ve become for that matter and you are not letting me go. The oak tree dissolves with my dream and my reality. I am here, wherever I am, with you.
I get wrinkles on my face every time I think of you but I don’t mind. Oh God! Why would I ever mind? The feverish feeling that you give my body hangs warmly on the shore of my heart. You are a breath of life and I wish I could inhale you every second of my existence. I drag myself to the point of collapsing into a deep black hole. There lie your deepest fears but my love, you should know I feel no remorse. I could easily drown into them, fall from the highest heights for you. I am in need of your lips as the morning grass wishes to be kissed by the soaked frost. I am praying for one touch of yours. I find myself biting my lower lip every time I see your face. Oh, those eyes! Brownish, frustrating and mysterious. They travel on my mind, stretching in every corner and your heart has made itself comfortable into mine. I feel no remorse my love. You should know. I carry you inside, heavily but oh; sweetly, deeply, madly, truly. Tonight I promised your soul I will dream of its’ master. My subconscious obeys to you. I am closing my eyes and you appear in front of me naked, undressed of your fears. All my heart desires is to seduce you. The clock hits 3 a.m. and I am suffocated by your lips. Such a sweetness. This kind of intoxication fills me with joy. You release your heat upon me, your body elaborates a toxic substance that makes me fall on my knees before you. I am weakened. No remorse. I am weakened by a decent dulcet feeling. They say it is love. Who are they? Do not wonder my love. They are presenting themselves as the guardians of my heart but do not fear. With you I let my guard down. I am yours. I am letting you guard my heart. Do not ever break it because it carries yours. This is all you should know.
Now close your eyes. Dream with me. Love with me. Love us. Set us on fire and inhale the heat we elaborate. Inhale our oxygen. Inhale me.
“I love you more…I love you less…” I guess by saying that we mean that love is a countable thing but is it? Who can decide if you love more or less? If you ask me, no one. Only the heart can say.
How do you react if you are told that you don’t love a person enough?
Well, who are they to know? If I love or not someone, in any way, only my heart knows how much. You can’t come and announce me that I don’t love you more than someone else. You don’t know that. I may love you enough to give my life for you or I may not love you at all. Don’t discriminate my feelings ’cause you never felt that way.
We don’t beg others to love us; they just do or don’t. Same way, you don’t make yourself love someone; he just does or doesn’t. That’s how life rolls. You either smile or cry, you’re either happy or unhappy, you either love or not. Right? Is it always black or white? People say that there might be also the so called “grey situations”. I wonder; can that happen with feelings? If it can then I guess you’ll never know what a person really feels about you. If it doesn’t you simply have one chance to be loved or the unfortunate luck not to be.
Concluding, what I assumed is that life is all about the chances you have. You either succeed or lose. You either choose the right thing or the wrong. There is no grey area between right or wrong. Maybe there is no grey area at all. Perhaps it is an excuse for not knowing what to do or what to feel. We are not brave enough to admit that we’re happy or miserable. There are those times things go too good to be true so we mess it up. We turn white to black in a split of a second. But how quickly can we turn black to white?
They say there is no love like first love. I can truly doubt that. Yes. I agree. The first love is consuming, painful, fairy-tale love. Undoubtedly it is something that can kill you or make you feel like you’ll live forever in happiness. That’s it. It is something you feel for the first time, that’s why they say it is unforgettable. It is very unlikely to see ”first love” win though. That’s because it’s immature and the two involved can’t distinguish the things that should give importance to or not. So, there is the BOOM! Everything dies. After that, there is a fresh start. And again, there is love. Is it the same? Is it more powerful or less? Again, they say there is no love like first love. And again, I disagree. If my first love was disappointing painful and had only a few moments of happiness, then I guess what has come after that is much better. They also say, life is the messy beats. I don’t doubt that because what we mostly remember at the end of our lifetime is what made us unhappy and miserable. If you ask me, I wish I could change that. I wish I could always think first about the good moments. Now, I’ working on it. I finally found myself again. It is so strange that we, humans, tend to find ourselves through others. I mean, we all live because of others. If we were alone in this world we wouldn’t survive. We live for our parents, friends, lovers and just the habit to live. Live to learn, to love, to feel, to give and all those things our daily life is about. Some of us, live because of that bakery shop in the corner. They love the saleswoman! Others live because they can’t imagine how painful it would be for those around them to lose them. Many of us live because of that. Perhaps I do. But mostly, I’d say I live because I want to follow the life’s road to where is getting me to and even if I get lost sometimes, there will be someone there to remind me where I came from.
Talking about love, reached me to talking about life. Correct. It is love, for anything, that makes us still be alive. So, I’m glad I have a reason to live and I hope that reason to stay. At least, for a little more Time.
They say when you lose someone you realise if you actually needed that person or not. It’s true. Yesterday night, when I wasn’t about to see him although I needed him by my side, he surprised me by showing up later. At first, I didn’t bothered knowing he won’t come but as time passed I started missing him a lot. Reaching to the top of this sentiment I was about to explode in tears. I really wanted him by my side to share that moment. Seeing him coming up on the stairs my heart filled with joy. Until that moment, a part of me, still wanted my ex boyfriend back but when he showed up, I got a feeling I’ll never forget. It was that pain of happiness that caused me a stomach ache. I felt a new feeling getting born. 24 hours later, at the moment, I can still feel it. So, I guess, it’s not something temporary. It is here to stay. I’m so glad to know I can feel again. Until two days ago, I was like a dormant volcano. I had the lava, emotions; but I couldn’t explode, I couldn’t feel it in every inch of my body. It was like I was dead when I was alive…From the very beginning I knew that If this person could make me smile like that even if I was sad inside me, then, this person would actually play an important role in my life. He actually does. He made me get over N. Not only that. He made me feel again things I was sure I wouldn’t. I can feel again anger, jealousy, itching, shivering with one touch; but most importantly; I can feel again happiness. The kind of happiness that hurts when it’s gone. I guess I can call it love.
To be clear, not the same as my first love, different. A new version.