Mediocrity.

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It was mesmerizing. I can tell you that. The way Darkness was inhaling me was mesmerizing. I counted seven stars on the sky, a few humans around and the speed of the cars racing; infinite; at least in my mind. In reality, there was just a soul beside me, humidity in the air and a few cars running sixty miles per hour. But I did not want to see the reality because my surreal dream was so absorbing.

I went back to it and I began rambling again while staring at the spark of the lamp post.

We conversed about the mediocrity of the human soul; me and the universe. I had a soul beside me listening but my mindset was elsewhere. I was imagining myself on an untidy bed, a soul losing its’ mind into my eyes, between my legs.

Devouring a soul and lifting it up to the defining line of the universe it’s the most exquisite gift a human can receive. Keeping it on the ground, sane and steady, can cause the syndrome of mediocrity. Judging the corruption of the soul would be a great mistake if you do so gentlemen. Define happiness if you can though and you will understand what I am mumbling about.

Perhaps you’re not interested in my definition of it but I am free to state it anyway.

Devouring happiness: the liberty of the soul to collude with the walls of dispair while reflecting itself into the depth of a moment’s realisation.

The eyes, love. The eyes. Lose yourself into the mournful excitement of those eyes.

Mediocrity. Lose it. Give it up. Chase your soul to the end of the world. Do not keep your greatness intact.

Ruin yourself, stay still and feel the adrenaline of your blood. Now you’re not mediocre anymore.

But, can you do that?

Pathos.

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      It hurt. The feeling of loss hurt deeply my insides and the most surprising of all was that I did not expect that kind of pain. My head had run wild as my heart and I was impotent of spilling any words. I sat there in silence, torturing myself until I fell asleep. But that wasn’t the solution to my problem. Even in my dreams I had a considerable pain without knowing its’ roots. I thought he was incapable of provoking me such an alternating feeling.
    The smell of fresh snow that came in of the window waked me up. Once I opened my eyes the itching in my heart intensificated. My skin was cold and the unscrupulous winter threw at myself another wave of icing air. She was the devil that played with my demons. I got lost into the hell that I had created before, that once comforted me. Who would have thought that my own game will be turned against me!
     I have come to the point of loving him and most importantly, needing him. He has become part of my sins and my pleasures. I couldn’t stand my bed without him in it or my arms around my pillow. I needed him to be that pillow, I needed him to warm me up.
      The minutes that followed I was tantalising between two options: running up those stairs, risking his rejection and crawling up into his bed or staying there, in the mud of my ego, risking to lose him for good. What would have been more catastrophic; the fact that I tried and it didn’t work out or the bubble-bath with my worse enemy?
      I decided to stand up on my feet and close the window. I rushed a jacket over my shoulders and in less than a minute I found myself in his room. He was sleeping and the unpleasanty of his mood was easily heard from the way he breathed. Without even talking I laid beside him and hugged him with my one arm. He opened his eyes slightly and then he closed them. I was gazing up at him desperately, waiting and wanting. With a sudden movement of his body we became two parallel flesh lines and his arm moved around my waist gently. He squeezed me to his chest and I couldn’t keep it anymore. I sighed hardly as if my heart had broken in half and someone had sewed it back together.
      For hours I could not sleep. I was just staring at him and somehow feeding my tiredness with his sleeping. I don’t remember when I finally fell asleep too but I remember the time I woke up. He was staring at me and when I caught him, he closed his eyes rapidly.
    The weather was even colder and dark as if the skies were preparing their revenge on us.