For those readers who follow my story, there was this part, 26 I think, titled “It wasn’t love”. It may have not been true love then, but it is now. It’s been a while since I’ve realized that I fell in love again. Actually I’ve never stopped loving. I was just passing through a transition period from one love to another. Clearly, there is a huge difference between what I felt then and what I’m feeling now. What I have to admit, is that by saying it wasn’t love, I might have hurted a person very important for me now. Though it was the truth. THEN. I definitely know now, I feel the sparkling again. I can’t stand being mad at him because it hurts. That’s a sign I’m attached to him and what I have now it’s is something I want to last.
There are times, I find myself thinking about the past, what I had, what I didn’t. There are also those times, I wish I could have had then everything that I have now. But on the other side, I say, it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe N was right. He had to be the worse thing that happened to me so in the future I’ll appreciate more what’s to come. Definitely, I can’t compare them. Neither the situations. What I have now it is what I asked for. Perhaps life thought she owed me. (Though never say big words, it may all broke). And I say <<she>> because life must be feminin. Her cruelty and sensitivity are both unlimited.
I’m happy when he stares of boredom at his shoes during the lesson, with a childish expression on his face. I’m happy when he whispers that he loves me when everybody around us has something to do. But mostly, I’m happy when we’re together in public. It is something that always I’ll have to deal with. I am tired of hiding and if some day T decides to end it, I’ll have some good memories. I’ve learned my lesson and earned some experiences. Most importantly I’ve learned to love again. But still, there is something holding me back from showing everything. I guess it is better. The more you give people, the more they take advantage of it. That’s what I’m not willing to risk. Being played, again.
So, it wasn’t love. It was fun. That finally occurred to be love. So, yeah, I can scream it, write it, post it, paint it and feel it, It is love what I’m feeling now and my past is finally over for me. Sure it is.
Since the day I felt love I’ve talking and talking about it…good and bad moments, no matter what, they still couldn’t bring me down. But there it comes the day you get tired of so much disappointment. I really hoped history wouldn’t repeat itself. But it did. It did. And again, I’m the one hurting. I’m the one caring too much about someone who’s falling for another. I may have said I will not give up on love but I’m exhausted. Mentally and physically. What is anyway love good for??? It can’t feed you when you’re hungry, it can’t warm you when you’re cold. It’s disappointing to see so many people hurting and dying for that four-letter word. L-O-V-E. We grow up learning two things; that one day we’ll meet love and that life is never easy. If we think of it, the first thing we learn completes the second. What happens in reality? Yeah. We may find love. So, life sees you happy and decides to throw some potatoes because you can’t handle so much happiness. Then everything gets messed up.
At the moment, I guess a 25% of this planet hurts from love. Is it right except from all the problems we have, to also have to deal with the most wonderful feeling in this world which is transformed into a lifetime challenge? I guess it’s nor right neither wrong. It is a ”privilege” we’re born to have. The day we are born, we are given as a present life, the privilege to live. That includes hurting. Everybody gets an amount of it. If you’re lucky; you may find an easier path. Well, I hope you did; ’cause I didn’t.
It was a day that I begged to stop loving and fall for someone else. Now I wish for the same day in the future. It gets stupid to think that all your life you’ll have to wish the same thing, until of course you find someone some day, in the far future, that will be brave enough to say, he/she wants to spend the rest if his/ her life with you…Until that day…Good luck wishing…!
Definitely when you’re on the verge to lose someone you realize what you want. That was it. That rainy night when I thought everything was over I found myself hurting. Every second passed through my mind as an old movie so quickly making me more vulnerable to the feeling. At some point I knew it but I was still unsure. Then, the way he made me smile before letting myself burst into tears made me think of our future. I never did before because I was unsure. There are things you don’t wanna end; we were that; something I didn’t want to end; so that’s why I wouldn’t plan the future. The moment I did I wanted it more. I wanted it to last more.
If it is something keeping me back, it’s insecurity. The great question Hamlet phrased, I’d change it, asking if it is permitted to let myself love or not, believe and give everything to that person! There is this disappointment of my future that is holding me back. I need things to be clear and I can’t admit anything at the moment. I can’t be again that “nothing” in someone’s life…However…I CHOOSE TO LOVE!
They say happiness comes only when you choose what your heart says. Though, I have to say, some choices need to be made by our minds. If I’d let myself dragged again into the same sad story then definitely the end will be as sad as it was last time. I’ve decided to make a fresh start. At this point in my life it is the best choice I can make. I can’t take the risk again and let what I’ve built until now fall apart to satisfy my ego or my heart. I don’t deny, there are moments I’m trying to imagine how it would be if I’d go back to the past and every time every picture I form in my mind falls apart in the end. That’s because even if I have some good memories, there are also very bad moments. Most of them were bad. There was that big black hole in the middle of our happiness. So why would I chose that again? On the other hand, now, I’ve already put myself into the position of feeling something new. If there is a person out there who can make me smile, then I guess it’s more than worthy the time I spend by trying to make it last. N lied to me. His love had an expiration date. That’s something I would never forgive and it’s keeping me away. Even if the world says the opposite, I know, deep in my heart that I couldn’t go back to him. So, why would I play again the same game? I’d be tricked and left aside again. For me at least, it’s obvious. I’ve been asked to take some time and think of what I want. N or T? From the very first moment, I answered. I would go back. I didn’t have to think of it. It’s been almost one day and a half since then. Since the moment I’ve been asked to think about it. All this time, my mind is spinning around this thought and every time the decision is the same. At first, I say “yes”. I say, why not? Why not try again? After a while I find myself trapped into the same situation I’ve been for about 8 months. Doubting every day and every minute if he needs me, if I’m enough for him, if he loves me, could only kill me than make me happy. So I say NO. Again and again. I repeat myself by saying that as I’ve said it before too. Though I have to make it clear. I finally know what I want and I’m sure of my decision. I love what I have now and I wouldn’t ruin it. That’s final!
There it comes a day you let yourself believe that all past is gone. That tomorrow it’s a fresh start and everything is forgotten. Huge mistake. In only a few hours or let’s say, days, you find yourself trapped into your past’s mistakes and choices. Actually, it is not correctly defined ”trapped”. If you could believe for just a few minutes or days that you stopped loving the love of your life, that you wouldn’t care about a dear friend who hurt you, that your choices won’t affect tomorrow, then it means you turned off yourself and chose another character to play. In reality there is no such desire to delete the past. It is just a wish of he moment; usually of a bad moment. Because if you think of it again, you won’t want to delete good memories. If so, what are you gonna dream at nights? How can your future be planned? Even if you don’t wan’t, the future is planned based on the past. It is vital to know that even if so, you can wake up tomorrow saying you’ll change things without forgetting the past. Regrets, disappointments, are things we don’t wanna remember cause it simply hurts.