Diamonds and Memories.

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    7ec749468838a325e9afdde88c8c6aa7   If only the days wouldn’t be so dark! The nights of the moody November seem tragically warm. The combination of oxygen and carbon dioxide that runs through my lungs is blocking my respiratory system making me forget my existence.     The flesh that covers my bones can’t protect my insides well enough. My soul is lost somewhere in the middle of eras and memories. At first I thought I had lost my mind but as the days of my loneliness passed, I found myself into a world that I had created a long time ago. I felt confused when I realized where my deepest thoughts lied. Somehow I was found between my mistakes and rights, not knowing what to choose as a life compass. Perhaps I was my mistakes and my flesh contained everything that was rightful to me. I embraced that theory while continuing the trip to finding out what I really wanted.
     I began torturing myself, feeding me useless love, aimless hopes. There was nothing that could save me from this vacuum that I had in my heart. I questioned my choices and I began my own interrogation. At the very end I knew I had to act based on how I felt.
     I closed my eyes for a few seconds while the raindrops were wetting my skin. It felt like a river of tears running of my eyes. I needed that one person that could make me smile, his hug and his suffocating perfume. We had created a home of our hearts and now it’s all gone because of the hurricanes that crossed our paths.
     The fireplace was still illuminating the room, my cup of coffee was half empty, the rain seemed to have stopped and my thoughts had entangled with my dreams.

Viridis.

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There are nights we all desire more than a simple hug or a gesture of tenderness. We need a fragrance that can make us choke of its’ powerful properties. That kind of fragrance I had every night in my arms as the sun was hiding behind the navy clouds. Every time he touched my skin with his baldly lips, I felt his need of affection. I always have an image of his eyes in my mind; the way he laughs is melting my bones. His riddles are gently visible while his eyes are miraculously twisting of amusement. His lips are the last ones to show the great excitement that unfolds a depressive happiness.

     I am used to falling asleep after him so I have the privilege to watch over him while his subconscious unravels his deepest fears or desires. His arm is wrapped around me and I am stupidly smiling while his heart is beating either slower or faster than usual. That moment I felt a great pain filling my lungs and conquering my soul.
I am haunted once again by the ghosts of my past and their countenance reminds me of a brunette man. No matter how hard I tried to breath out every concern that tortured my heart, it was futile.
     Tonight the darkness is silent and catastrophic for my mental health. The wind has stopped fizzling and the air I am inhaling is burning my insides. I feel every suffocating emotion submerging me and his absence keeps my demons alive. I shall fall into deep sleep now. All I need to see is the dazzling sun to give me hope.

Dizziness.

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    We live in fear of admitting everything that ponders in our hearts. I gave my all to you and I am still wondering if my current denial comes as a consequence to all the drama we had. I find misinterpretations walking back and forward in my mind. An inner voice is still whispering words of love or pain. I cannot distinguish what dominates in me, whether I am free or locked in my own desperation. The nights of September have brought upon me a new sentimental crisis. It feels like a dizziness. I see my soul on its’ knees praying and I am wondering: for what? Am I praying for more consuming love or it’s just an immense desire for freedom?

     I live in fear because my dreams stopped challenging me. Everything is blurred and I blame myself for that. I am responsible for suffocating my heart. It has been long since nobody conquered me. I have always been emotionally occupied and it feels exhausting. Even now that I am not in love with someone, my soul is still chained. Do I need someone to break the chains? I wish I could do it myself.
     The insanity of these long nights have created a vacuum, a dark space between the past and the present. I do not want to tickle my heart’s chords, I want them to be left in piece, untouched. There is a battle taking place inside me but I cannot see the two parties fighting or the results of the war. No matter how hard I try to understand what is going on inside me I see nothing. In vain I struggle to control my demons. I will let them defeat each other. There is no other way.

Part 36: Present: It is Love

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        For those readers who follow my story, there was this part, 26 I think, titled “It wasn’t love”. It may have not been true love then, but it is now. It’s been a while since I’ve realized that I fell in love again. Actually I’ve never stopped loving. I was just passing through a transition period from one love to another. Clearly, there is a huge difference between what I felt then and what I’m feeling now. What I have to admit, is that by saying it wasn’t love, I might have hurted a person very important for me now. Though it was the truth. THEN. I definitely know now, I feel the sparkling again. I can’t stand being mad at him because it hurts. That’s a sign I’m attached to him and what I have now it’s is something I want to last.
         There are times, I find myself thinking about the past, what I had, what I didn’t. There are also those times, I wish I could have had then everything that I have now. But on the other side, I say, it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe N was right. He had to be the worse thing that happened to me so in the future I’ll appreciate more what’s to come. Definitely, I can’t compare them. Neither the situations. What I have now it is what I asked for. Perhaps life thought she owed me. (Though never say big words, it may all broke). And I say <<she>> because life must be feminin. Her cruelty and sensitivity are both unlimited.
I’m happy when he stares of boredom at his shoes during the lesson, with a childish expression on his face. I’m happy when he whispers that he loves me when everybody around us has something to do. But mostly, I’m happy when we’re together in public. It is something that always I’ll have to deal with. I am tired of hiding and if some day T decides to end it, I’ll have some good memories. I’ve learned my lesson and earned some experiences. Most importantly  I’ve learned to love again. But still, there is something holding  me back from showing everything. I guess it is better. The more you give people, the more they take advantage of it. That’s what I’m not willing to risk. Being played, again.
           So, it wasn’t love. It was fun. That finally occurred to be love. So, yeah, I can scream it, write it, post it, paint it and feel it, It is love what I’m feeling now and my past is finally over for me. Sure it is.

Part 34: What is love good for?

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     Since the day I felt love I’ve talking and talking about it…good and bad moments, no matter what, they still couldn’t bring me down. But there it comes the day you get tired of so much disappointment. I really hoped history wouldn’t repeat itself. But it did. It did. And again, I’m the one hurting. I’m the one caring too much about someone who’s falling for another. I may have said I will not give up on love but I’m exhausted. Mentally and physically. What is anyway love good for??? It can’t feed you when you’re hungry, it can’t warm you when you’re cold. It’s disappointing to see so many people hurting and dying for that four-letter word. L-O-V-E. We grow up learning two things; that one day we’ll meet love and that life is never easy. If we think of it, the first thing we learn completes the second. What happens in reality? Yeah. We may find love. So, life sees you happy and decides to throw some potatoes because you can’t handle so much happiness. Then everything gets messed up.
         At the moment, I guess a 25% of this planet hurts from love. Is it right except from all the problems we have, to also have to deal with the most wonderful feeling in this world which is transformed into a lifetime challenge? I guess it’s nor right neither wrong. It is a ”privilege” we’re born to have. The day we are born, we are given as a present life, the privilege to live. That includes hurting. Everybody gets an amount of it. If you’re lucky; you may find an easier path. Well, I hope you did; ’cause I didn’t.
          It was a day that I begged to stop loving and fall for someone else. Now I wish for the same day in the future. It gets stupid to think that all your life you’ll have to wish the same thing, until of course you find someone some day, in the far future, that will be brave enough to say, he/she wants to spend the rest if his/ her life with you…Until that day…Good luck wishing…!

Part 33: TO BE OR NOT TO BE, TO LOVE OR NOT TO LOVE?

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Definitely when you’re on the verge to lose someone you realize what you want. That was it. That rainy night when I thought everything was over I found myself hurting. Every second passed through my mind as an old movie so quickly making me more vulnerable to the feeling. At some point I knew it but I was still unsure. Then, the way he made me smile before letting myself burst into tears made me think of our future. I never did before because I was unsure. There are things you don’t wanna end; we were that; something I didn’t want to end; so that’s why I wouldn’t plan the future. The moment I did I wanted it more. I wanted it to last more.
If it is something keeping me back, it’s insecurity. The great question Hamlet phrased, I’d change it, asking if it is permitted to let myself love or not, believe and give everything to that person! There is this disappointment of my future that is holding me back. I need things to be clear and I can’t admit anything at the moment. I can’t be again that “nothing” in someone’s life…However…I CHOOSE TO LOVE!

Part 29: Not Going Back

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        They say happiness comes only when you choose what your heart says. Though, I have to say, some choices need to be made by our minds. If I’d let myself dragged again into the same sad story then definitely the end will be as sad as it was last time. I’ve decided to make a fresh start. At this point in my life it is the best choice I can make. I can’t take the risk again and let what I’ve built until now fall apart to satisfy my ego or my heart. I don’t deny, there are moments I’m trying to imagine how it would be if I’d go back to the past and every time  every picture I form in my mind falls apart in the end. That’s because even if I have some good memories, there are also very bad moments. Most of them were bad. There was that big black hole in the middle of our happiness. So why would I chose that again? On the other hand, now, I’ve already put myself into the position of feeling something new. If there is a person out there who can make me smile, then I guess it’s more than worthy the time I spend by trying to make it last. N lied to me. His love had an expiration date. That’s something I would never forgive and it’s keeping me away. Even if the world says the opposite, I know, deep in my heart that I couldn’t go back to him. So, why would I play again the same game? I’d be tricked and left aside again. For me at least, it’s obvious. I’ve been asked to take some time and think of what I want. N or T? From the very first moment, I answered. I would go back. I didn’t have to think of it. It’s been almost one day and a half since then. Since the moment I’ve been asked to think about it. All this time, my mind is spinning around this thought and every time the decision is the same. At first, I say “yes”. I say, why not? Why not try again? After a while I find myself trapped into the same situation I’ve been for about 8 months. Doubting every day and every minute if he needs me, if I’m enough for him, if he loves me, could only kill me than make me happy. So I say NO. Again and again. I repeat myself by saying that as I’ve said it before too. Though I have to make it clear. I finally know what I want and I’m sure of my decision. I love what I have now and I wouldn’t ruin it. That’s final!

Part 20: Beloved Past

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There it comes a day you let yourself believe that all past is gone. That tomorrow it’s a fresh start and everything is forgotten. Huge mistake. In only a few hours or let’s say, days, you find yourself trapped into your past’s mistakes and choices. Actually, it is not correctly defined ”trapped”. If you could believe for just a few minutes or days that you stopped loving the love of your life, that you wouldn’t care about a dear friend who hurt you, that your choices won’t affect tomorrow, then it means you turned off yourself and chose another character to play. In reality there is no such desire to delete the past. It is just a wish of he moment; usually of a bad moment. Because if you think of it again, you won’t want to delete good memories. If so, what are you gonna dream at nights? How can your future be planned? Even if you don’t wan’t, the future is planned based on the past. It is vital to know that even if so, you can wake up tomorrow saying you’ll change things without forgetting the past. Regrets, disappointments, are things we don’t wanna remember cause it simply hurts.