Pain & Happiness as a life compass.

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Frida Kahlo

Frida Kahlo

   There is a chance when you are born that you will know only happiness in your life. But that, despite the fact that is a simple chance, that is the deepest wish of a caring parent. Many of us haven’t known caring parents or others had the misfortune of paying their parents’ mistakes. Either way, the chance to know only happiness in your life is ‘one in an infinite’ , if infinity was countable, but still impossible. Considering an infinity bigger than other, we could say that the chance of complete, life-time happiness is considerably small or just non-existent.

     Growing up, learning to walk and speak, we realized that we loved those who loved us and granted our most profound wishes. I have not heard of a child in this world loving the evil or someone who hurts him or her. But a book stays still as the reader grows, becomes wiser or stupider. But that doesn’t matter because we are not books, we are the stories that color every page. That’s why we grow, our internal cosmos expands, travels on unknown lands, fighting, wishing, hoping, laughing and hurting.
     Is it always going to be like this? Yes, gentlemen. Always. Because as you know, when you first met love, when you first got into bed with it, when you first cried of love and disappointment, that wasn’t your choice. You chose a good evil. How is that possible? It is gentlemen. Growing older we realize that despite happiness, we bring upon ourselves pain, or life does so, but still, we cannot always fall for what is meant to do good.
     Somehow my thoughts ran to my chemistry classes. My professor always pointed out that the opposites attract but as you may have seen in your own lives, that is not a standard. We are usually deeply attracted to those who can reveal our true selves, the ones who dare living the way we don’t. Am I right? Think of it. The truth is though that we are much more alike than we admit. It’s just that the other person has the courage to do it or show it, as you have the courage to do or feel things, which for someone else, your partner, may be restricted or inconceivable to make it public knowledge.
     In this game of magnetic attractions, both parties win and lose. That’s the irony gentlemen. We chase the ultimate happiness, the one and only soul-mate, hoping that we won’t get hurt. What if we didn’t? Have you thought of that? What if it was that easy? What if the person you firstly fall in love with, feels the same way about you, no complications and no remorse? Do you think that there comes the ”happily ever after”? And if so, what then?
     I’ve got one fear, the deepest one and perhaps it is time to let you know it; I fear the day I will leave this world I will feel regrets because some day in my life I felt boredom, I wasn’t consumed. I wish that day never comes.
     There is a chance when you are born that you will know only pain in your life. But that, despite the fact that is a simple chance, that is the deepest fear of a caring parent. Growing up, we make our own fate based on the fears we overcome and at the end of the road, there is only one thing we should be saying: ” I lived and had it all. Misfortune, pain, happiness, pride and love. Now I shall have more of it in another life. ”

Last night’s dream.

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     I wish I was aware of your eyes in last night’s dream but I wasn’t. Your lips seduced me, submerging myself into them. Your mocking smile bewildered me. You were an intriguing man, self-asserted and your hands were touching my body mandatory. I was obliged to obey to all your exertions. In the background I remember nothing but darkness. For some strange reason there was nothing but a vast black shadow. My body felt every seething sensation while my subconscious ventured around your bare smile. I have never seen you that way. I was filled with idiocy and vulnerability. On the contrary, you were chirpy and poignant. I am struggling to recall every detail but my mind is not helping me. I am lost in the vacuum of my own thoughts and desires. The potency of my unwillingness to remember the dream is locking me up in a roost of suspicions. Perhaps I should stop wincing myself with this kind of thoughts and let the simulacrum of happiness have control over me. 
I am letting myself dream one more time of your eyes. Nothing is changed but still; nothing remains the same.

3 a.m.

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“I loved you. Of course I did. And perhaps I’ll always do. But my dear it seems it’s not our time.”

Sometimes I wish I had never met you; but then I stop and recall your eyes burning into mine. How can I wish  for this to disappear?

I wonder why I’be been cursed by the universe to love you desperately; but then the  answer is one I don’t really want to know. Let it be…let it burn us..let me always keep you locked somewhere, deep down at the bottom of my heart…