I thought I saw the devil
Looking in the mirror, drop of rum on my tongue
With the warning
To help me see myself clearer
I never meant to start a fire
I never meant to make you bleed
I’ll be a better man today
I’ll be good, I’ll be good
And I’ll love the world, like I should
Yeah, I’ll be good, I’ll be good
For all of the time
That I never could
My past has tasted bitter
For years now
So I wield an iron fist
Grace is just weakness
Or so I’ve been told
I’ve been cold, I’ve been merciless
But the blood on my hands scares me to death
Maybe I’m waking up today
For all of the light that I shut out
For all of the innocent things that I doubt
For all of the bruises I’ve caused and the tears
For all of the things that I’ve done all these years
Yeah, for all of the sparks that I stomped out
For all of the perfect things that I doubt
I’ll be good, I’ll be good
For all of the times I never could
All of the times I never could.
The way he blinked was obsessing her. In a few hours he lost his boyishness. She was staring at him, waiting for the right words to come out of his mouth. His glance was empty and his soul had grown. He was saying nonsensical words, hoping that he would confuse her.
That morning the sky was clear. Even the navy clouds were afraid to confront his temper. Her bed was warm, the creases of her blanket tightened her body and she wouldn’t leave that bed if the alarm clock wasn’t so persistent. Hours later she found herself insulted by his manners. Clouded by that feeling of disavowal, she was still studying his movements with the edge of her eye. She used to do that quite often as it was such a pleasure to observe a man’s wildness fighting the child inside him. “Men must believe us stupid when thinking that we don’t know!”, she quoted. She was repeating the same preposition to herself. That was the truth that she didn’t want to live by.
She was a bit charmed and half excited. He was unpredictable and that was the thing that agonized her.Even if he became what she couldn’t stand to encounter, a part of her was thrilled to read another chapter of him.
In fairy tales there’s is a saying that heroes always win and villains don’t get a happy ending. In the real world, there isn’t a Savior, nor a Wicked Witch. In the real world, there exist only humans.
As Prince Charming fell in love with Snow White, men fall in love with women and the other way around. But as you know, our world is more black-hearted than any villain. If love happens, it could be easily characterized, as Bukowski said, a dog from hell. As if an evil curse had fallen upon my thoughts tonight, I am blinded by a certain pessimism. I have no intention of withering your feelings so I shall call my fairy and have her make me a dreaming potion.
I am looking at myself in a mirror and my eyes are tearful.
I feel my heart pumping worriedly. The cold night filled me with pain for the dear person that my soul’s seeking. The fact that he’s missing from me increases my blood pressure, feeding my brain with brooding thoughts and my heart with a sadness that comes from this nostalgic emotion. I’m wishing for his arms around me to warm me. I remember the nights when I was falling asleep on his shoulder. The thought of it only, that he was by my side, relaxed me and made me feel safe. I remember the color of his eyes when the tiredness was conquering him. They used to darken in an unique way that his sweet melancholy swam even more freely into his unshed tears. Even more impressive it was the way he blinked, patiently and wanting, like the world owed him and he would be prepared to wait as long as it took to be given his merits. I always wanted to believe that. Sometimes, I thought of another theory but the pain that it brought me, erased it quickly. I imagined; perhaps he is that way because he thinks he deserves it. I thought of that melancholy as his own self-punishment and I had no motive of such a cruel thought.
Before waking up, I saw him again, laughing happily. I haven’t seen him many times in our real life laughing from his heart and every time I did, I fell in love with him even more deeply.
There was a darkness I could not understand. Don’t ask me about it, just try to understand how I felt the moment I lost myself into the vacuum of superstitions. The generation needed love and money. Or everyone wanted the love of money. We are mistaken if we believe that we can be saved from this atheistic predator, the one we serve as our own God. Anyways. He wanted both but let me tell you about it.
Even if he was level-headed and charismatically intelligent, he was lost. You can’t break a door without pushing, you can’t become fire if you don’t get burnt. And that was the ultimate answer to all his unknown and unquestioned questions. It’s strange how he made me question his beliefs without him realizing that they needed questioning. Stephen Chbosky said that we accept the love we think we deserve. He couldn’t be more right. He denied everything good that life would bring on his way just because everyday was a new day of castigation for his mistakes in the past. I wonder how much a man can live like this. In a moment of paranoia someone might believe that this man did it all on purpose. He needed people to feel bad for him so he chose to protest about him not respecting himself. Perhaps that is a little bit over-thought and paradoxic. You see; sincerely I believe that he respects himself more than he claims. It is all a game of revenge upon himself.
I shall confess I am deeply annoyed by that kind of self humiliation, especially in people with much more experience than myself. How can you assault yourself like this? Everyone makes mistakes but if they’re still repairable, then why would you sacrifice yourself? Why would you push away every person that wishes you good?
Do not forget. There is always time, chances, love. All you need to do is accept the past and embrace the future.
There was no warmth anymore. There was only fire, the kind of burning and revengeful fire, and I wondered whether life wanted to say something to me or it was just time to stop playing with it. The second theory begs for approval, first in line in my mind. You see; sometimes people tend to make the worse out of a situation and we become revengeful with ourselves for someone else’s mistakes because we think we deserve it or just because we lost something that used to make us better humans. Perhaps that is what I am doing now. I have made consciously the worst of decisions and let people in my life make it more complicated. Have I become feverishly nonsensical? They say that when you wear an armour or a mask you should be careful not to lose yourself in it. Now I know they’re right.
It’s just ( and yes, “just”, because any other word would be unfit and too sophisticated for my current mentality) messy how people knock the door of your heart after leaving without saying a simple reason, possibly expecting you to open your arms and welcome them back warmly. You cannot do that even if it is what you desire most. Do not misunderstand me. I am in favour of second chances, sometimes maybe thirds , but no more. So perhaps that knock on my door disturbed my inner peace, if there was any lately, which I would doubt but still, I thought I had it all under control, I had all emotions turned off, or at least the parts that I wanted to forget for a while.
Obviously gentlemen my theories turned against me and the armour I equipped myself with became flesh of my own flesh. Isn’t it funny how life rolls gentlemen? Or it is not funny at all and the disturbance I feel makes every normal emotion that I should be feeling worthless of living inside me…
P.S. Or maybe I’m “a Bukowski” and there is nothing to be done but live in the sweetness of addictions.
”Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.” – The Fault in our Stars
That’s what impressed me today. That is what I will remember from the 7th of September. That and the night’s breeze. The empty streets. The moon and the stars. No soul would bother the noisy silence. I walked alone home and I felt a particular kind of fear pondering in my veins. There was no fear of darkness. I was scared of the world, the people who wondered freely and arrogantly on the sidewalks. I know I must not look back. That was the arcanum.
As I was approaching the entrance of my apartment I felt the fear fading away. However, something else happened. Surprisingly, my emotional state changed and the burden would not get away from my heart. This time though, it was pain. It may sound surprising but I am relieved for having my pain back. I do not know if I should worry for my non-expected happiness for a bitter sentiment, but I must admit, it gives me a purpose. I can feel again the gap in my soul and now I know, better than ever, that I should find a way to fulfill it again. Perhaps that was it! That’s what I needed. A new purpose.
Now I am thinking; maybe that is what we all need and that also answers a question which many of us have been asking the universe. Why life should have ups and downs? Is it suffering and struggling necessary for the human kind?
There is a writer I deeply admire who claims that humans are the most unhappy animals. When I first read that phrase I did not give it much thought. He was right though.
So I have to deliberate on that even if you don’t want to hear it. We need bitterness and obstacles in order to achieve greatness. We might be the most unhappy of all animals but except that, as the same writer claims, the human kind has the ability to create majestic and unimaginably things. We just need a purpose.
Let’s be honest people! You love Love! Everyone adores a little unhappy love story with a happy ending. We complain, oh yes, we could die complaining about how Love makes our lives miserable, painful or (at some point) amazingly interesting. At the end of the road it doesn’t matter. When your route is over, at that moment when you have to point yourself into a different direction just because your Love had expired, there it is where you will realize that all you can do is fall in Love again. Yes, yes my dear Human, that is what you crave; Love. Even if you don’t want to admit it, you desire drama and epic storytelling even if you put at risk your weakened heart.
I never thought I would make such a confession. Actually, I never believed all those cruel heart-breakers who anticipated Love differently than I did. Perhaps they saw things more rationally. I couldn’t. Would you? Is it Love rational?
I would be sinning if I’d reject my own theories so I won’t. I will speak both logically and sentimentally. On the one hand, as you may have seen, people cannot live without drama and day-by-day struggling. On the other hand, the universe cannot exist without the romantic constellations. So there it is the explanation. Humans cannot survive in a world where Love comes without struggling and the universe is unable to create something of such greatness easily. The knot is done. All generations are pulled into this labyrinth, craving for Love. Roll the dice, get a player, build some houses, own some places, roll the dice again and take some credit for beginning again.
They say movies differ a lot from life. They say movies always turn out to have a happy end. Only a few people like those with a tragic end that’s why they seem to be fewer. In my point of view movies and life seem pretty much the same. I’m not talking here about fictional or sci-fi movies. I’m talking about rational movies with everyday facts. Maybe the end in life is different but the story can be pretty much the same. During the centuries we have seen people die for each other as in Romeo & Juliet, we have also seen friends hooking up just for fun and then fall in love accidentally, as in Friends with Benefits. We have also seen people travelling across the world and reaching their goals only just because of love, as in A Lot Like Love. Old couples still loving each other after having a difficult time, years maybe, trying to be together, as in The Notebook. These are only a few examples of how reality may be just like a movie. I’m also sure that many of us have lived a great story, maybe worth telling, maybe not.
The beginning of a story comes with “once upon a time”. For me it should sound like “What If”. That’s because I deeply think a story should be written after grabbing every chance to make it successful, after trying everything to make it have a happy end. If not, well, then you’ll know you have tried everything so you won’t be disappointed. That’s another kind of happy end. But still, a happy end. You see, even if Romeo and Juliet died for their love, we see this story as a great proof that pure love exists. Even if their story was tragic, we celebrate it. The outcome was actually something worth telling to all the generations to come. It is pretty obvious that everything negative can also have a positive outcome. You ask; how is it possible to talk about death as a positive outcome? It’s not death I’m talking about. It is the story. It is the effort I’m talking about. The risk.
People are used to back down easily. They’re afraid to try. Of course, you can’t make someone love you if he or she doesn’t. I’m generally speaking about how we should not be afraid to explore the opportunities and chances. That’s all I’m talking about. Make your story worthy.