The inside out. #2018

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The shore was still there, buried inside my hidden dreams, unwilling to come up to the surface. It’s been so long since I haven’t dreamed of it that it would almost extinct. It was my deepest and guiding wish but I made a memory of it instead of pushing it’s realization. I did not forget about it. The perseverance was gone for a while.
I woke up thinking of it today. Who have I become. Reality caught too much space in my life and I let the dream go. Foolishness.
The shore was my life and the only thing keeping me alive. Alive by the full meaning of the word. That shall resurrect me. How can I end up on that shore if that is not the goal?
How do we get intimidated by small things and forget about the major goal? I don’t get fascinated by this side of humans. We get caught up in situations, place ourselves with the mass, fill our time with superficial habits and become mediocre. We become average and the sum of our being is kept captive by tolerable days and decisions. The sad thing is not realizing it on time.
What is the right time though? It’s now. It’s that one morning when you wake up and remember the exceptional thing you wanted to be.
Let’s bring up to the surface the shore, the goals, persuasion and excellence. After one year, let’s make it all about the first days, the shivering beginning, the kisses, the long nights, the one and only goal. The shore.
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Mirrors.

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“She fantasized me looking in the mirror. She thought I would see whatever she saw in me; Mirrors lie. They show all physical imperfections, every curve and every unwanted scar. Do they show what is hidden behind my skin? Mirrors cannot show my heart. “

Habromania.

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She believed in nothingness as I believed in the universe. She is a peculiar creature and fascinatingly stormy. She was lying half naked in the middle of that bed, staring at me. Her smirk provoked me but I could not move. I was sitting beside her with a paralyzed leg on the ground and the other one half-hanging on the bedside. Her skin was soft and the hays of the sun were creating quite an intriguing form down on her waist. The curtain was covering the other half of the window. The view outside was as magnificent as her sparkling eyes. I turned to look myself on the mirror at the headboard; her shirt fitted me. It was as if I was wearing a part of her. Her glare was hypnotizing. She took my hand into hers and brought it close to her face. I approached to hug her cheek. She inclined her head towards my hand as if she needed to feel me. She blinked hardly and slowly; for a moment I thought she would not open her eyes. The smirk on my face transformed into a straight line. Hers too. Our thoughts aligned, we were both aware about the uniqueness of that moment.

We escaped from the mountains and ran to the sea. The sun had hidden away and tension was dominating in the air. Even the stars were afraid to come out. The universe was absent those moments; she was well dressed but her emotions were completely naked. She was overwhelmed by the sea’s agitation. She was looking at me from the driver’s seat; perhaps a bit lost or disappointed. I did not know what feeling was really dominating in that moment. I felt as if my guts had been filled with sand and I could not breath. I felt a strange need to feel the cold breeze on my skin. The sea was stormy and dark. I had to go back. She said nothing and with the same feeling dominating inside her, she took a sharp curve to get back in the abandoned city. I was still having that nod in my guts. I thought she wanted to escape; I saw her fearful and indecisive. I think she felt the world was not enough to run; words were not enough; her thoughts were disturbing and a continuous loud voice would not let her rest.

The universe had to intervene. She was forced to stop driving. It had no importance why. We were stuck there; on a dark night, by the stormy sea, no human life pondering around, just a few stars on the sky and the harsh sound of the waves hitting the shore. She exhaled madly. The sunrise was an impeccable show of colorful shades; the moon that once was touching the sable line of the sea had been driven away by the marvelous burning sun. The shattering silence had been replaced by minor worries and laughters. In that moment I saw the universe in her eyes. She told me that mine were filled with nothingness; I had hidden my thoughts. I suppose that the love I felt took a little bit of alone time to grow and then it would show up again.

…to be continued.

Infatuation.

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     The way he blinked was obsessing her. In a few hours he lost his boyishness. She was staring at him, waiting for the right words to come out of his mouth. His glance was empty and his soul had grown. He was saying nonsensical words, hoping that he would confuse her.
That morning the sky was clear. Even the navy clouds were afraid to confront his temper. Her bed was warm, the creases of her blanket tightened her body and she wouldn’t leave that bed if the alarm clock wasn’t so persistent. Hours later she found herself insulted by his manners. Clouded by that feeling of disavowal, she was still studying his movements with the edge of her eye. She used to do that quite often as it was such a pleasure to observe a man’s wildness fighting the child inside him. “Men must believe us stupid when thinking that we don’t know!”, she quoted. She was repeating the same preposition to herself. That was the truth that she didn’t want to live by.
She was a bit charmed and half excited. He was unpredictable and that was the thing that agonized her.Even if he became what she couldn’t stand to encounter, a part of her was thrilled to read another chapter of him.

Vanity.

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     A fearful person. That is the perfect word to characterize him. The man wearing the viridian mask was always silent while his thoughts could torment any demon in hell. He thought that words have no meaning when you can conquer the world with your actions. Even if deep down in my soul I believed in his theories, I think of him as truly mistaken.
The sky is cloudy and the black widow surprises me with her serendipity and negligence of the revengeful heavens. The city lights are blurry, reflecting as murderous shadows on the glassy windows. The autumn leaves seem all blackish now, same pattern and nuance. The pine trees are moody because their children are gone and the dirty water of the rain has sickened them. Somehow, those pines trees can resemble to the viridian man. His seedy provision has the same effect on my disposition. Even if it is a fact well known, I cannot accept it. I wish his branches could expand more on my thoughtful mind and answer to my pitiful questions. I am being conquered and pestered by every possible word that can come out of his mouth.
The walls around me are whitish and the furniture seems nothing like luxury. The mattress has no sheets on it and the floor is cold. The window is half opened. I can see the wildness of the human souls pondering on the streets; some indecisive, others lighthearted.
The viridian man was still wearing his impersonal mask. His lips won’t curve into a smile and his eyes won’t show any annoyance. Some may say that hiding what’s torturing you is the only armor that can protect you from the untamed world. I might agree but in the viridian man’s case I fear he excesses the use of this lethal drug.

A Shadow.

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     Sullen or saturnine define him for thousands of inexplicable reasons. His lips won’t curve and his eyes won’t stop sparkling. I was looking at a shadow that intrigued me. The peculiar expression on his face begged for interpretation and understanding. Perhaps there is too much complexity in that soul and a bit of disorganization. That would be a rational explication for my overwhelming mood; I need to solve the mystery.

     I felt an enchantment disincorporating me. Midnight blue fitted him. I could find the rummiest words to describe his countenance. His touch felt like a cold endearment, like a ray of light after a heavy storm. He was wandering disoriented in my mind. Perhaps I could not guide him or control his way there and that seemed to be the real motive of my amusement. The acknowledgment of this fact deceived me and made me even more curious about him. He was a wave in my ocean that outreached all the others involuntarily.

New Perspective.

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   ”Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.” – The Fault in our Stars

     That’s what impressed me today. That is what I will remember from the 7th of September. That and the night’s breeze. The empty streets. The moon and the stars. No soul would bother the noisy silence. I walked alone home and I felt a particular kind of fear pondering in my veins. There was no fear of darkness. I was scared of the world, the people who wondered freely and arrogantly on the sidewalks. I know I must not look back. That was the arcanum.
     As I was approaching the entrance of my apartment I felt the fear fading away. However, something else happened. Surprisingly, my emotional state changed and the burden would not get away from my heart. This time though, it was pain. It may sound surprising but I am relieved for having my pain back. I do not know if I should worry for my non-expected happiness for a bitter sentiment, but I must admit, it gives me a purpose. I can feel again the gap in my soul and now I know, better than ever, that I should find a way to fulfill it again. Perhaps that was it! That’s what I needed. A new purpose.
     Now I am thinking; maybe that is what we all need and that also answers a question which many of us have been asking the universe. Why life should have ups and downs? Is it suffering and struggling necessary for the human kind?
     There is a writer I deeply admire who claims that humans are the most unhappy animals. When I first read that phrase I did not give it much thought. He was right though.
      So I have to deliberate on that even if you don’t want to hear it. We need bitterness and obstacles in order to achieve greatness. We might be the most unhappy of all animals but except that, as the same writer claims, the human kind has the ability to create majestic and unimaginably things. We just need a purpose. 
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Salvation.

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Have you ever been scared of losing a memory? I am. I close my eyes on late nights and keep rewinding back to faces  and moments. I try helplessly to remember every detail, freshen it up in my mind so I don’t forget. Sometimes it’s tiring but other times it is feeling exquisitely good. 

There is a fear in me that I will forget his face, the color of his eyes or even worse, the taste of his lips. And maybe I did forget. Time is a killer of memories, of love. I push harder, deeper onto my subconscious; in the corner of emotions; all that I’ve felt is coming back but it’s never the same. Sometimes it is terrifying or sad; but mostly, it is sweet. The kind of sweetness that makes my tongue feel more humid, my lips twisting and my body craving for his. 

Keeping my eyes closed, I try feeling his touch. I imagine his hands around me and for a second they’re wrapped around my body, pushing me closer to his marvellous skin. He’s here. His eyes are setting me on fire like lava on dry soil. His palm is touching my cheek and I feel safe. I’m in my own bed and he’s with me. He’s the angel of my dreams, protecting them, guarding my memories, loving me. He’s my salvation. 

I can feel his fingertips struggling to keep on touching mine but he’s drifting away. I’m falling asleep. I see shades of grey and green. The dream is blurred and I lose him out of my sight little by little. I rub my eye with my right hand and touch the sheets around me, desperate, trying to find him. Then I see it all. I’m alone. There is a feeling of emptiness inside me; I miss him