The road got slightly uphill and the stars were fading away into the midnight sky. His shadow walked beside me, conversing and laughing with me until a sudden silence froze the scene around us. I was able to hear his heartbeat, the way it rushed then paused for a few milliseconds and then quickened again. It felt as if he was struggling to win a battle that was taking place inside him. A curious sensation overwhelmed me. I needed to know the strategy that his mind was plotting and perhaps more than that; I needed to know his soul’s secret. My eyes weren’t enough for such a deep inquiry so I looked at the stars, waiting for them to give me an answer to my torturing thoughts. The shadow disappeared as if he was afraid of my insane gesture. The arrogant smile that was drawn on my face pointed me as a woman of unsound mind. I had a bitter taste in my mouth and my hands were freezing. I was staring at a door that appeared miraculously before my eyes and the temptation to walk through pushed me closer to it. A certain warmth was floating towards me from whatever was behind that door. I was skeptic whether to cross the line or not as the thought of what’s hidden behind agitated me.

     You see; my shadow had left me. He was scared of coldness. The thought that I might leave him first pushed him away. I was trapped between his fears and my own demons that begged me to be sincere. The only way to make him come back to me was to step in my flaming hell and confess what I have done.
     Maybe that was the exit of my labyrinth. I had all my cards opened and even if the choice seemed to be his, it was actually mine because I had nothing to fear anymore. I knew that whatever I would choose my heart will be peaceful.

A Nonsensical Wish.



You wonder no more about my thoughts and needs. You don’t know how much I need you by my side. For a minute I let myself believe that you didn’t exist but your aura still haunts me. I never feared love or myself more than I do now. The sky is grayish and tearful. Its’ resemblance to my mood is extraordinary. You continue to grow inside me like a blossom of anemone. There is no natural disaster that can overwhelm you, tear you apart and eventually lead to your death. There are moments I wish for your leaves to wither. But all I get is the chance to make this abnormal wish and then realize my nonsense on wishing something this cruel.
I am staring at a reddish glass of wine wondering whether my blood has the same color while burning because of you. I would pluck myself with a needle on my thumb to prove my thoughts right but that would be as nonsensical as my wish. I don’t need any proof to know that you still own my heart. There is a reason why you are still torturing me but I suppose I don’t want to know it. This desire is fatal for my soul. There is one thing I know for sure. I don’t regret carrying you in my heart. Not for a single minute. Despite my depressing thoughts, you can live there eternally, I won’t mind.