Mediocrity.

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It was mesmerizing. I can tell you that. The way Darkness was inhaling me was mesmerizing. I counted seven stars on the sky, a few humans around and the speed of the cars racing; infinite; at least in my mind. In reality, there was just a soul beside me, humidity in the air and a few cars running sixty miles per hour. But I did not want to see the reality because my surreal dream was so absorbing.

I went back to it and I began rambling again while staring at the spark of the lamp post.

We conversed about the mediocrity of the human soul; me and the universe. I had a soul beside me listening but my mindset was elsewhere. I was imagining myself on an untidy bed, a soul losing its’ mind into my eyes, between my legs.

Devouring a soul and lifting it up to the defining line of the universe it’s the most exquisite gift a human can receive. Keeping it on the ground, sane and steady, can cause the syndrome of mediocrity. Judging the corruption of the soul would be a great mistake if you do so gentlemen. Define happiness if you can though and you will understand what I am mumbling about.

Perhaps you’re not interested in my definition of it but I am free to state it anyway.

Devouring happiness: the liberty of the soul to collude with the walls of dispair while reflecting itself into the depth of a moment’s realisation.

The eyes, love. The eyes. Lose yourself into the mournful excitement of those eyes.

Mediocrity. Lose it. Give it up. Chase your soul to the end of the world. Do not keep your greatness intact.

Ruin yourself, stay still and feel the adrenaline of your blood. Now you’re not mediocre anymore.

But, can you do that?

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Scenarios.

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“She was laughing so beautifully and I couldn’t explain myself why I was feeling the need to stare at her. She was simple: long brown hair, classic linen clothes, a common woman. Her look seemed depressive and every time I made her laugh, I would be conquered by a feeling of success. Contemplating these words I realized that was the thing that made me fell for her; she fed my ego. Watching her laugh I became serious, I wished I could seduce her, rip her clothes off and still, at the same time, protect her. It was both a romantic and a brotherly need but even now, I can’t admit which one is more powerful. Sometimes I just feel the need of people adoring me and she wouldn’t do that; I know my words imply that I am an egocentric man, arrogant and indecisive, but that’s what makes you still hang on my lips. I know you’re still listening to my story so I shall continue.
I was disturbed of the others’ presence. I needed to admire her, in detail; being a predator is what characterizes me. I was surprised by the fact that she wouldn’t become my victim. That made me want her badly, in every possible way that you may think.”
I studied his movements carefully. He’s always betraying his intentions. I would ask for more details but our intimacy – if it ever existed – wouldn’t permit me so I continued my study. His eyes flickered at every word she would say as if he was expecting a desirable answer to his thoughts. My coffee got cold. He made me feel uncomfortable. I needed something else to get my mind off the scenario that I had already created in my mind. I bet someone else at that table would have agreed with me.
After a while, my emotions were in a conflict of interests as the doors of the railway closed disturbingly quickly. Leaving the warmth of a coffee shop, I found myself surrounded by lovers of the night. October had grown old, this autumn was colder, the streets had emptied and I was still feeling dizzy. I think that the beggar outside the church saw me half smiling and tearful. Perhaps he thought that I had gone mad.
“I left the coffee shop alone. The railway station wasn’t as empty as I expected. I got amused by the publicity of a telecommunications company on the walls. The girl in the photo reminded me of an actress. When I got out, finally breathing fresh air, I felt relief and happiness. I was expecting winter so badly. The pub near my house was half-empty. The barman’s face was filled with boredom and the music was off. I ran up the stairs and reached to my room. I opened the door carefully so I wouldn’t wake up anyone. My act wasn’t successful. I said a quick “hello” and ran into the bathroom. I needed a cool shower. As the water was running on my skin I was thinking of her pleasing me. A knock on the door though, interrupted my imagination. I had to satisfy someone else’s needs. I gave in and an hour later I fell asleep. I dreamed of nothing or at least, I didn’t remember anything. Whatever it was, it must have been of no importance.”

#Seduced. Again.# -Fragment-

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     ”It’s been long since my heart pounded of thirst. Three years ago I was starving for love. He was just in front of me and every flickering of my eyes met his intense look. I didn’t really know what love meant. I had a veg idea, clouded and polluted by what I’ve been told. My knowledge was poor and my mind, too immature to understand. I just knew my stomach felt something, like a magic powder giggling my insides. I had already started hating the feeling. That’s when my pain got more intense. It burst in me like a heavy rain that wouldn’t stop. My skin got wet and my veins burnt of the lightening. My mind was no more quiet. I woke up someone who had been sleeping inside me for ages. My inner queen stretched her body and sat on the steel marvelous throne. Her reign is still conquering me. Her voice is always soft but at the same time, it’s harsh. She’s the only one who knows my deepest thoughts and desires. I really feel naked in front of her and my fear is endless. A queen who knows her submissive so well is a queen who can kill.

   Desperation was the only thing that I could feel. I wanted so badly to get to know him. Nobody had ever woken up my ‘’Columbian’’ desire. Despite all this, I knew he wouldn’t open himself up to me. I meant nothing to his thoughts. I was a stranger to his heart. 

     The dream was pulling me to the edge of my sanity. It was something between pain and happiness. He was just the way I wanted him to be, perfect. My subconscious was playing an unfair game. In reality, all I was dreaming about was all I wanted to happen. It kept me happy in a way. Sometimes I think it was the only thing that kept me from flipping the coin and becoming someone I hated to be. I was in some kind of depression, which unfortunately lasted a long time. I slipped from one disappointment to another and I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t have this permanent feeling of someone ripping my heart off.

     My veins burn through me and my body needs his touch. The molecules of my skin are tightening and it’s getting hard to breath. I feel a nod in my stomach, running up to my lungs making my mouth watery. Every inch of my body, all my insides are aroused for this man.
I was thinking all day about him and time is my complicit to my mission. He consumes me in a breathtaking way and at the same time he gives me the internal energy to live.
       He is just difficult to handle. His reaction is always unexpected and his way of pushing me away is just keeping me closer. I can’t erase the exuberating look on his face from last time I saw him. He has such a power of spirit on me that I can’t imagine myself without all those memories.”