New Perspective.

Standard

a5b2281dd7a3319e31030b1d597a72bc
   ”Some infinities are bigger than other infinities.” – The Fault in our Stars

     That’s what impressed me today. That is what I will remember from the 7th of September. That and the night’s breeze. The empty streets. The moon and the stars. No soul would bother the noisy silence. I walked alone home and I felt a particular kind of fear pondering in my veins. There was no fear of darkness. I was scared of the world, the people who wondered freely and arrogantly on the sidewalks. I know I must not look back. That was the arcanum.
     As I was approaching the entrance of my apartment I felt the fear fading away. However, something else happened. Surprisingly, my emotional state changed and the burden would not get away from my heart. This time though, it was pain. It may sound surprising but I am relieved for having my pain back. I do not know if I should worry for my non-expected happiness for a bitter sentiment, but I must admit, it gives me a purpose. I can feel again the gap in my soul and now I know, better than ever, that I should find a way to fulfill it again. Perhaps that was it! That’s what I needed. A new purpose.
     Now I am thinking; maybe that is what we all need and that also answers a question which many of us have been asking the universe. Why life should have ups and downs? Is it suffering and struggling necessary for the human kind?
     There is a writer I deeply admire who claims that humans are the most unhappy animals. When I first read that phrase I did not give it much thought. He was right though.
      So I have to deliberate on that even if you don’t want to hear it. We need bitterness and obstacles in order to achieve greatness. We might be the most unhappy of all animals but except that, as the same writer claims, the human kind has the ability to create majestic and unimaginably things. We just need a purpose. 
DSC_0005

Dizziness.

Standard

  9bfcad5ea77f133d9721cb444d2a51a2
    We live in fear of admitting everything that ponders in our hearts. I gave my all to you and I am still wondering if my current denial comes as a consequence to all the drama we had. I find misinterpretations walking back and forward in my mind. An inner voice is still whispering words of love or pain. I cannot distinguish what dominates in me, whether I am free or locked in my own desperation. The nights of September have brought upon me a new sentimental crisis. It feels like a dizziness. I see my soul on its’ knees praying and I am wondering: for what? Am I praying for more consuming love or it’s just an immense desire for freedom?

     I live in fear because my dreams stopped challenging me. Everything is blurred and I blame myself for that. I am responsible for suffocating my heart. It has been long since nobody conquered me. I have always been emotionally occupied and it feels exhausting. Even now that I am not in love with someone, my soul is still chained. Do I need someone to break the chains? I wish I could do it myself.
     The insanity of these long nights have created a vacuum, a dark space between the past and the present. I do not want to tickle my heart’s chords, I want them to be left in piece, untouched. There is a battle taking place inside me but I cannot see the two parties fighting or the results of the war. No matter how hard I try to understand what is going on inside me I see nothing. In vain I struggle to control my demons. I will let them defeat each other. There is no other way.

Passion & Fever.

Standard

I get wrinkles on my face every time I think of you but I don’t mind. Oh God! Why would I ever mind? The feverish feeling that you give my body hangs warmly on the shore of my heart. You are a breath of life and I wish I could inhale you every second of my existence. I drag myself to the point of collapsing into a deep black hole. There lie your deepest fears but my love, you should know I feel no remorse. I could easily drown into them, fall from the highest heights for you. I am in need of your lips as the morning grass wishes to be kissed by the soaked frost. I am praying for one touch of yours. I find myself biting my lower lip every time I see your face. Oh, those eyes! Brownish, frustrating and mysterious. They travel on my mind, stretching in every corner and your heart has made itself comfortable into mine. I feel no remorse my love. You should know. I carry you inside, heavily but oh; sweetly, deeply, madly, truly. Tonight I promised your soul I will dream of its’ master. My subconscious obeys to you. I am closing my eyes and you appear in front of me naked, undressed of your fears. All my heart desires is to seduce you. The clock hits 3 a.m. and I am suffocated by your lips. Such a sweetness. This kind of intoxication fills me with joy. You release your heat upon me, your body elaborates a toxic substance that makes me fall on my knees before you. I am weakened. No remorse. I am weakened by a decent dulcet feeling. They say it is love. Who are they? Do not wonder my love. They are presenting themselves as the guardians of my heart but do not fear. With you I let my guard down. I am yours. I am letting you guard my heart. Do not ever break it because it carries yours. This is all you should know.
Now close your eyes. Dream with me. Love with me. Love us. Set us on fire and inhale the heat we elaborate. Inhale our oxygen. Inhale me.

Lightning moon.

Standard

     In the misfortune of summer I found an abyss in your heart. The soil wasn’t dry anymore. My soul wasn’t wounded. I gasp on the thought and continue pursuing my goal as your love is a motivation for my dreams. In the mist of August I found the lost child in me. In the still of the night I found your pure eyes shining bright and conquering my heart. Electric blues and radiant violets. You were that. You are that. You are an electric blue shadow of happiness and pain. In moments of unawareness, I panic on the thought of losing you. I stutter your name. Then I fill my lungs with the memories you gave me and hope rises like the sun at dawn. I misinterpret the dreams and tire myself with worries. Minutes after I smile. I am wondering how can you make me such an unstable person. You change me. 
     In the cold of winter I missed your body. I thrilled for your warm blood. I was craving for your soul. Now that the breeze of June is flirting with the cells of my skin, I feel an intense desire to kiss your lips. I dream of your colours. I dream of your electric blues and radiant violets. 
     The night is a friend again. I am hugged and lucky to be accompanied by such a beauty. It whispers me that you hug your pillow and turn on the left side of your bed. I am told that you are dreaming of waves and exotic places. I am delighted of the stories. People can be thrilling creatures when their subconscious runs wild. 

Dreaming of you and I.

Standard

”I do not love you except because I love you” says Neruda.
There are moments I split in half his poetic line. I do not love you. Because I love you. There are seconds I feel weakened by this emotion. ”This” love. There are minutes I love you more and minutes I love you less. Wrong. There are just minutes I miss you more. Minutes I wish I could touch you. When it comes to love, all minutes feel the same.
I grew up hurting. I grew up knowing you but now knowing you. I grew up carrying you inside me but not having you for me. I grew up knowing you exist somewhere without ever being mine.
Now, you are. Mine. It feels like I’ve got a home. Having your heart cherish mine feels like I’ve conquered the whole universe.
That’s what I saw that night in your eyes. The universe. A dark sweet infinity. You are present in my dreams and your eyes are as vivid as the last time I witnessed them. I stare at the world, out of my bedroom’s window, in the train, the bus, out of my class’ window; I see you. I smile in pain because I miss you. I wish time passed quicker. It ain’t. It is always the same. I am not. You are not. Every single day my desire is more powerful. Your wonderful words touch deeper my wounded soul. You make me smile and cherish life. I am thankful for your existence my love. I close my eyes every night and images of you run through my mind as a film clip. I see you in front of me and I smile. I jump into your arms and I can smell your perfume. So sweet. You take my hand, hug me tight and I feel I have no air. I don’t mind. Your love is giving me oxygen. Then we walk and you cannot take your eyes off me. Mine are admiring yours. I feel your feverish skin and my insides are tickling me. This time though, the pain is gone. I have the most beautiful emotion, all my senses aroused for you. We reach out in a motel and I shut carefully the door behind me. Suddenly my body is pulled against it and my legs tight around your hips push your skin closer to mine. I feel all of you on me. Your lips, your hands, your breath. We loved each other like savages. We were a combination of wild hybrids and hopeless humans. I needed you and you needed me. All of me was given to you in a majestic union of flesh and souls.
You pulled me down and my feet are straight, still feeling myself trapped between you and the door. I push you back touching your chest and you fell on the bed. I am observing you; the way you look, needing. I cannot restrain myself anymore. You intoxicate me. Your skin is attracting me like a magnet. I put your hand in my hand while your hips are once again against mine pulling me closer. I want to unravel you, undress you from your blue shirt. My mind commands and my hands execute. Your brownish eyes are glowing, turning into all shades of maroon and perhaps greeny. You unbutton slowly my shirt kissing every territory of skin that’s revealed. I feel myself burning on the inside of rapture or desire or need. Or all of it at once. I watch over the window the moon. She is there, present while I move my eyes to you and smile. My hand moves along them and touches your face. My palm fills with your left cheek. You smile too and drag yourself on top quickly. I am overwhelmed by your power, your eyes, your skin, your hands, your breath, every inch of you, your heart. I am overwhelmed with love. I have you for me. The night falls moody, fills the universe with darkness but you can still illuminate. Our light is not shutting down. I am letting myself pulled even  closer and we become one. One infinite soul.

Redamancy {A love returned in full} .

Standard

Image
”I understand you now Josephine. You too, dear Anais; but mostly, I see how you managed to resemble love to such wonderful springs lovely Pablo. My eyes are half opened, I’m mostly seeing through my winkers. I have a dizziness that’s humbling my mind and an ecstatic feeling in my body. Tonight the moon has taken good care of me. She’s preparing me to travel on unknown lands but all I hope for is seeing him. As mister -I do not love you except because I love you- says, ‘my soul is born on the shore of your eyes of mourning’. I satisfy myself creating an image of you in my mind. Your forms and colors remind me of clouds at dawn; your smile is the wire worm who’s transforming itself in a butterfly and the way your dazzling eyes look at me, it’s like brightness bursts and the bud becomes a rose.  I hear the aubade and I suddenly feel alate. I suppose I am in a dormiveglia as my subconscious can be still controlled. But I’m letting go of it; I am letting my eyes wander assessing your charms and for a while, it feels like you’re touching me. I am dissembled by you as my soul is swimming through ripples and burning stars. In a few minutes, or more, I got out of my limbo. I had no control of it anymore, I was just dreaming. I saw us drifting like shadows in the dark, laughing, together.”